Shake the Glitter Off Your Clothes Now

My body aches, my mind is numb, and I'm completely lost. Friday night was awesome though, filled with drinking and gambling - general debauchery courtesy of Atlantic City. At least I know I'm still good at having a good time with my friends. I feel heavy though, and the madness in my head is slowly building again with alarming speed. Tonight, however, I've managed to keep it at bay and that is a triumph in itself. I've managed to put my life back together a little bit at a time and feel like I'm finally ready for whatever is next. This is thanks in large part to my friends, who have dragged my ass from the deepest holes I've dug myself into. They may never know how much they've done for me, but I can never thank them enough. I love you guys, with my entire heart. I'm am concerned though that even though I have a firm grasp on my life again, that I'm never going to find my path. I know I keep bitching about that particular fear, but it's something I think about constantly. I want a damn bolt of lightning to show my my way, but I'm pretty sure that'll never happen. It's the year of the tiger though, this is my year to show the world what I can do, let's show the world that I can kick some serious ass. Strike up the band, full steam ahead.

Blue Satin Curtains

Interesting thing happened to me today. I took a nap and I dreamt that I was at like a place that details your car and stuff. Or something like that. Where I was doesn't really matter. What was interesting is that as I was saying goodbye to the people I knew/met there, I became conscious that it was a dream, I figured out that "leaving" meant I would wake up, and was able to think pretty clearly and convey my thoughts to the people in my dream. I had to quickly explain to them what was about to happen, and my view on the matter. I told them that I was dreaming, that me being here meant I had broke though the multi-verse, and that I was about to wake up. One of the people there told me they didn't know what the multi-verse was so I asked the guy next to me who understood it to explain it to the other person after I had left. Also weird was that I knew I was about to wake up. My dream self understood that I had exactly 5 minutes to explain the situation to them because I knew I was going to wake up and disappear. I told them what was going on, said goodbye, and I actually woke up. I think I actually accomplished lucid dreaming today. (Lucid dreaming is knowing you're in a dream, and being able to control it to a certain degree) What confuses me though is that I wasn't able to do anything out of the ordinary in my dream, even though I knew it was a dream. I'm also a pretty vivid dreamer, and there were a ton of details I remember that confuse me even more. I remember faces, details about the cars in the lot, the exact path I used to get up to the office to talk to someone... all elements I'm pretty sure I've never seen before in reality, but all there with a specificity that blows my mind. Is this seriously only the subconscious of a single individual playing out a random series of events? Or is there a thread that I haven't been able to grasp linking us to something much greater, or each other? I'm hoping that now that I've accidently done this, my subconscious will be affected somehow and allow me to experiment further with my dreams. If I realize I'm in another dream, hopefully I'll try to do something out of the ordinary (like fly) and see how that works out. I dunno. I'm dumbfounded by my brain. I wish my subconscious would explain itself.

This Is My New Job

Okay, I lied. I was going to bed but then I thought of something fantastic people need to pay me for. Zombie expert. Because I am, and people should pay me exorbitant amounts of money to have me share my vast amount of zombie knowledge with them. Also, my resume extends to Starcraft expert, Popular Internet videos and websites expert, and General Knower of Things That Are Probably Cool. I make awesome pancakes too. I'm dumbstruck people aren't paying me for these obviously highly valued skill sets.

Existentialism On Prom Night

This is what I'm listening to, I suggest you listen to it while you read this. It might explain my thoughts at the moment. :3

I feel like I'm 50. I went out drinking for St. Patrick's Day, and the resulting aftermath was not fun. Decisions to do acrobatics and kip-ups when you're out of shape was unwise. On a related note: I decided my back is so bad and my joints are so achy that I'll eventually need a cane. But further thought into how I'd look with a cane sounds badass. Plus I can shake my cane at all the youngins and their damned rock music. That sounds awesome. I fear I'm going to become one of those hipsters that are still trying to be cool when I reach my early 30's. "I'm not old! I'm still hip and fresh. I listen to this trendy band and get hammered in social situations!" God, that sounds terrible. It's like trying to find the exact mix of how you should behave because of your age, and still retaining a good chunk of what's awesome as a kid. I hope I'm able to find that balance in the future. So many of my friends are getting married, having kids, settling down. To be honest, that scares the crap out of me. Not that their decisions are bad ones, just not the ones I would make at this particular time in my life. I'm still baffled at trying to figure out my own life, I would have a seizure if people expected me to figure out theirs or be responsible for a new life. And it's interesting to see the dichotomy of different groups of friends. I tend to hang out with multiple cliques and we're all the same age, but there's a baffling amount of difference. Before I talk about it though, I want to specify that all of these groups of friends are awesome - just different. I have the party friends, some still in college and we usually drink and shoot the shit. I have the early career friends, who all seem to have serious girl/boyfriends and have a particular fondness for board games. And I have the friends who have made the early leap into marriage and parenthood. And me. I have no idea where I fit into those categories. Well, certainly not the third, I don't think I'd be ready for that stage until maybe my late 20's. But I feel like I'm falling off the wagon here. People have goals, plans, or at least a general sense of what they want to do. Is that genuine, or are they as confused as I am but slightly less lazy? I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my future. At this point I figured out I need to make money, I need to make music, and I'd like a companion for the journey ahead. Uh, that's applicable to everything I can think of. Work overseas. Teach. Psychology related job. Work on a farm. Marry the daughter of a rich rock star. Some more realistic than others obviously. I just don't want to settle for something that I know isn't me. I'm a firm believer in dreaming as big as you can and fucking going out and getting it. Let's do it. Just tell me how. Please?

Sing like you think no one's listening.

Oh, and I think I have a new obsession with Neil Patrick Harris. He's just plain awesome sauce. I'm going to listen to Dr. Horrible's Commentary the Musical! now while lying in bed. Sweet dreams.

P.S. This past weekend I solved a Rubik's Cube several times. I used to be able to do it all from memory, but I do admit I had to look up how to do the last bit. Not that this information is relevant to anything, I just think it's a noteworthy skill that I'm proud of. I have a lot of useless, random talents. Stick me in a room with a Rubik's Cube, beer pong, a guitar, a piano, Halo 2, a paintball gun, a skateboard, a computer, and Russian literature. Prepare to have your mind melted. In fact, I'm going to set up all my dates from now on to specifically encounter all those elements.

See? I was all ready to log off of my computer and this is where my thoughts go. Random gibberish about nothing, albeit maybe slightly entertaining. If my brain was a Mac there'd be a sleep button and I'd use it right now.

You Must Construct Additional Pylons

I've realized I'm really bad at Starcraft. I went and played a few games just to try and get better and got pwnd several times. I'm working on it though. On a side note: I've decided to become and cigar and wine snob. I need to get a serious job though, it seems like an expensive habit. If I replace it with ingesting nicotine all the time, I think it'd be a good step down. Goals for 2010: quit nicotine, and become a rock star. Psshh... piece of cake.

Half Asleep

I decided to blog again. Partly because I find it useful to put my thoughts down in writing, and partly to try and understand myself. Boredom is a true killer, it makes me apathetic and causes me to generally be lazy. I've accepted that, but mixed with an overwhelming feeling of unparalleled need to move forward with my life. I seriously wish there was a sleep button on my brain because I constantly keep thinking and it makes me over think decisions I really should just move forward with. I had an interesting talk with a friend this weekend, and I make the simile of my life as akin to a chess game. I'm so stuck on the idea that making a wrong move will have a significant impact on my life. But I need to move forward. I've been trying to figure out what to do with my life for the past 2 years, and I still haven't come up with an answer. However, in my short time of existence on this planet, I've learned that action usually leads to realization, and I'm sincerely scared I'm just stuck at this point with no plan of action. I wrote out a list of things I want to accomplish, I'll list some of the more interesting goals:

Be physically fit
Secure a position that allows me to make enough money to enjoy whatever I want to do
Find a partner in life/girlfriend
Be awesome

I talked to a career counselor a little bit ago, and the general message is that not many people know what they want to do with their life and the path is fairly random until you find a particular niche that fits your needs and goals. The problem is, I really do think I fall into small category of people who DO know what they want to do with their life. I went through some seriously dark times in the past, and the thing I've learned from it all is that music and friends are the thing I want to do for the rest of my life. After 3 years of being miserable and making terrible decisions, I finally found a general sense of happiness in constantly being with people I love, and making music. I'm currently working on several projects - the most serious of them being a full musical about the zombie apocalypse. Scoff all you want, it's going to be rad once we complete it.

What I'm mostly concerned about is that the things I love doing aren't paying my bills. I'm constantly battling having enough money to do what I want. And that leads me to several options. Get a job here in MD, I have some seriously amazing friends in Philly that I'd love to move in with if I could secure a job, or go forward with applications to move to another country (Korea) for a minimum of one year. I thought Korea was the obvious choice for months, until I broke out of my shell, conquered a serious problem with the help of a friend who may not realize it, but she really saved my life. I'm incredibly lucky that I have such an amazing family that supports my decisions, and if I fail spectacularly, I always have a home with people that love me. That alone is something I can't even describe in words how truly amazing that is, and I thank whatever higher power that exists in the world for my family.

I know I'm rambling but it's nice to be able to put my thoughts into words so I can reflect on them later. So what do I do? If it was up to me, I'd finish my zombie musical, have it be a tremendous hit, and makes lots of money. Chances of that are so very slim though, but it's something I love and if I finish it and it fails spectacularly, I hope I have the fortitude to pick myself up and keep moving forward. It's something I love doing. Music in general is so difficult to make a living on, and I need to pick myself up from this unbelievable monotony and do something.

Mostly, I need to move out my parents house. I love them to an unbelievable degree, but being with friends is something I need in my life at the moment. And a girlfriend. I've been out of the dating scene for what... 3-4 years? Nothing serious, I'd just like a partner in my life that I be happy with. All you people with single friends, hook a brother up. From a personal perspective, I think I'm generally a nice guy and moderately attractive. Easier said than done I guess.

So what do I do? Find a job, move out, exist. I wish the world was as easy as that. I have a unique opportunity to do something risky and potentially succeed, but how do I do it? So many questions, and thinking about them is like a constant circle of indecision. It's March already, and I still have no idea what to do with my life. I'm ready for the change, I'm just stuck in a mire of not knowing how to achieve my goals. I mean, I guess that's a common problem for people my age, but let's get a move on shall we? Sorry again for writing about completely nothing, I just wish there was a piece of paper outlining what I should do at this particular junction in my life. Any advice or spreadsheets telling me what to do would be appreciated. :D

Sorry for boring you, I'll stop now. Have a nice night everyone.

-tk

We Dream of Ways to Break These Iron Bars

I had an interesting experience so I wanted to write about it. Today is Sunday, August 30th, 2009 at 8:34pm. I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook and with the recent addition of the "Like" button, it's blossomed in popularity and people have begun to click the "Like" button at all time highs. People also have realized that, like everything else that becomes popular, the struggle to retain originality is difficult and have now started posting the word "Dislike" under people's post because there is no "Dislike" button on Facebook. So before the "Like" button becomes another overused internet phenomenon, I wanted to see how many people I could get to click the "Like" button for a single status update. I used the fake scenario that I was getting married, and figured an engagement would result in a fluster of "Like" button clicking. One of my friends, Jason, acted as an accomplice in this farce with a comment post under the status update saying "awww.really???? That's so cool...CONGRATULATIONS MAN!!!! When's the bachelor party???? WOOT WOOT!!" and "You and Alice are pefect for each other^^" which made it seem that my post was real, and verified that there actually may be a girl named Alice that I was engaged to. (For the record, I don't think I even know a girl named Alice.) My experiment failed, as only 3 people have clicked the "Like" button at this time, but it resulted in a large amount of people posting their congratulations in my engagement, mostly from people that I haven't talked to in a long period of time. If you fell for this internet trickery, first I would like to apologize, but I thank you for your congratulations, and would very much like to catch up with you. It's been far too long since we last talked if you thought I was getting married. The most interesting thing about this whole little social experiment, however, was my amazement at how fast news was able to travel. Several people have called me asking to verify if I was actually getting married, and through word of mouth, I would say at least 40% of the friends that live close to me have heard the rumor that "Terry's getting married!?" Also worth mentioning, is that my friend Billy had seen this update, and requested that I be engaged to him. (Being a closer friend that I had actually seen earlier in the day, he knew it was obviously fake) I actually laughed so hard at this when I first saw it that I woke up my family's dog and she began barking hysterically. So, naturally, I accepted the "Engagement request" and thought that people seeing I was "Engaged to William" would be the end of it and realize it was fake. Amazingly, people still sent me congratulations and quizzical messages wondering if I was actually engaged. Does that mean that some people think I'm in a gay engagement? If so, that's awesome and hilarious. Also interesting, is that since that post, the number of pictures of me has dropped in what I would consider to be statistically relevant numbers. Probably around 30 pictures of me have been either lost, de-tagged, or simply erased. Is this a coincidence? Or do people feel so uncomfortable with pictures of a guy in a gay engagement that they have taken them down? I'm not sure, but it adds to the interesting number of factors of the whole situation. Again, interestingly, Facebook changes the ads on the right if you put that you're engaged in the relationship status. I have an entirely new set of ads, mostly about bachelor parties and wedding stuff.

So, just to set the record straight, I'm not engaged (I'm not even in a relationship), and I'm heterosexual. At this time I haven't revealed publicly that this was all fake, but have told everyone the truth if asked. I'm going to just let it spread slowly through word of mouth and see how many people realize it's fake, or call me up to ask me if it's real. Regardless though, my experiment has certainly added a bit of color lately in my life. I'll probably publicly reveal this blog post on Thursday when it has been a week. I think that's a good amount of time to judge just how fast information is traveling, and how many people believed it. If you we're tricked by this, I'm sorry, and I hope you don't hate me. :) I figured this would be the best soap box to announce that this was all fake, since the blog is called "Diary of a Psycho-logy Major." Extremely fitting, and I didn't even plan that out.

This wraps up my Facebook social experiment. My conclusions: The internet is quite scary, and people spend a lot of time on Facebook. Take from that what you will.

-Terry